The scene opens to show a large gathering in the town square of Babkraine, some in military uniform, some dancing to a waltz being performed by a musical ensemble of animatronic bisons, lynxes, and nightingales. Many attendees have anticipated dancing their last waltz as war looms on the horizon.
II. 137 UNGRATEFUL DESCENDANTS
The dancing stops as all turn to the horizon to see the Army of the Red Meanies slowly advancing. Despite the name, only the ranking officers wear uniforms accented in red, their caps adorned with the visages of dead leaders representative of old ways that they want to revive. Enlisted men wear uniforms accented with an antiseptic green and helmets with face masks simulating the appearance of bears. Hovering above the army is a new weapon, Code Name: Stivko-Berko aka The Flying Horse, a large drone in the form of a horse, one ear slightly bent out to act as an aerial.
Traditional warfare commences with traditional weaponry and methods. The Stivko-Berko soars across the length of the melee, a spray gun between its simulated hindquarters dousing the battlefield with a brilliant green liquid that stains the faces of the Babkrainian fighters who manage to retreat fighting to a temporary underground shelter that echoes with the deafening sound of tanks advancing over the fresh ruins, their treads clogged with the crushed corpses of children who couldn't run fast enough.
III. ZELLY YONKA AND THE CHECHNYAN FUCKERY
Elsewhere in the region, a group of artists dances in protest inside a Catholic Church as journalists circle them in synchronicity, attempting to interview them as they keep up with their dance steps. The journalists are, in turn, circled by a sudden rush of Red Meanie soldiers who pull out paint ball guns and proceed to fire on the journalists and artists until all are covered in brilliant green liquid and subsequently arrested.
IV. YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TAMARA
Czar Vladimir, leader of the Red Meanies, is enjoying a shirtless ride alone in the forest on his horse named after him. Across the forest, a coven of Babkrainian witches, wearing day-glo ski masks and prosthetic tubular appendages extending from thier bellies, are summoning the family of witches known as the Baba Yaga.
The Baba Yaga are three sisters: Yesterday the eldest, Today the middle, and Tamara, aka Ripper, the youngest and most dangerous of the three. They live in a mystical house whats foundation rests on the legs of American athletes who were arrested and disappeared. They are notorious for feeding on children and can smell a child from a great distance when their hunger is aroused or called upon by mortals seeking their service.
Vladimir has dismounted his horse and is sitting against a tree, playing with his teddy bear and drawing on its face with a green marker. He hears a noise and looks up to see the Baba Yaga standing over him, Yesterday inspecting the moisture in his pants, Today holding a giant mortar bowl, and Tamara holding a giant pestle covered in her drool.
Vladimir panics and throws the teddy bear at them as he jumps on his horse and hies to safety. The sisters board the giant mortar which becomes airborne and chases him. They begin to gain on him when they are knocked out of orbit by a flying carpet manned by a portly androgyne wearing their hair tied back in a short ponytail. It is Vladmimir's Sea Gal, his secret lover, who then flies over his horse and lifts him onto the carpet just as the sisters resume thier pace and catch up, all three of them grabbing at the horse's tail as it veers off into a densely wooded area, leaving them with fistfuls of horse hair.
V. VLADIMIR'S SEA GAL
Vladimir and his Sea Gal fly to a lake far beyond the boundary of the Baba Yaga. Upon touching the shore, Vladimir goes to kiss the Sea Gal who has transformed into a giant toad, still standing like a man. They reveal their self to be the Vodkannoy, a creature of local legend often blamed for drownings. The Vodkannoy blames Vladimir for the death of his mail order brides who were among the war casualties. The Vodkannoy grabs Vladimir's arm and flips him into the water where he drowns. The Vodkannoy grabs his soul before it can escape, storing it in an empty vodka bottle.
Vladimir wakes up in his presidential bed, shirtless and sweaty, next to the Sea Gal. Two Rusalkas are bathing each other in the adjoining bathroom. Vladmir sits up and bends forward to retrieve his teddy bear, its face covered in green marker, from the foot of the bed. A sharp pain shoots through his intestines and he lays back to feel an unusually large and hard bodily evacuation. He gets off the bed to see a large pestle covered in streaks of red and green.
A voice asks Vladimir if he is awake. He looks up to see the Vodkannoy laying in the bed, flicking its tongue as it picks up his teddy bear and throws it in the bathtub where the Rusalkas proceed to tear it to pieces. Vladimir's heart stops from fright and he falls to the floor, overturning a table with food and drink on his way down. A musical ensemble of animatronic bisons, lynxes, and nightingales magically appear in the bathtub and perform a melancholy tune as the scene fades out to the Vodkannoy and their Rusalka brides dancing around an unconscious Vladimir, now lying in a puddle of brilliant green liquid leaking from his kishka that has sprouted a sunflower.
The musical equivalent of the guy at the party who offends everyone by mooning the camera (but guess what everyone does to
the camera minutes later), Smig is the Witch City's composer laureate (not a difficult achievement, in all honesty).
"[C]ontemporary music for the bizarre at heart...[His] electronica and classical works operate in a style unlike any other."
(Electronic Musician newsletter)...more
Matt Demello live at The Sidewalk Cafe in Alphabet City, NYC. A collection of live sets that kick ass so hard that you should apply hem cream before listening. J. M. Smig
