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A Russian Vulvectomy: V. Vladimir's Sea Gal

from A Russian Vulvectomy by J. M. Smig

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Vladimir and his Sea Gal fly to a lake far beyond the boundary of the Baba Yaga. Upon touching the shore, Vladimir goes to kiss the Sea Gal who has transformed into a giant toad, still standing like a man. They reveal their self to be the Vodkannoy, a creature of local legend often blamed for drownings. The Vodkannoy blames Vladimir for the death of his mail order brides who were among the war casualties. The Vodkannoy grabs Vladimir's arm and flips him into the water where he drowns. The Vodkannoy grabs his soul before it can escape, storing it in an empty vodka bottle.

Vladimir wakes up in his presidential bed, shirtless and sweaty, next to the Sea Gal. Two Rusalkas are bathing each other in the adjoining bathroom. Vladmir sits up and bends forward to retrieve his teddy bear, its face covered in green marker, from the foot of the bed. A sharp pain shoots through his intestines and he lays back to feel an unusually large and hard bodily evacuation. He gets off the bed to see a large pestle covered in streaks of red and green.

A voice asks Vladimir if he is awake. He looks up to see the Vodkannoy laying in the bed, flicking its tongue as it picks up his teddy bear and throws it in the bathtub where the Rusalkas proceed to tear it to pieces. Vladimir's heart stops from fright and he falls to the floor, overturning a table with food and drink on his way down. A musical ensemble of animatronic bisons, lynxes, and nightingales magically appear in the bathtub and perform a melancholy tune as the scene fades out to the Vodkannoy and their Rusalka brides dancing around an unconscious Vladimir, now lying in a puddle of brilliant green liquid leaking from his kishka. 

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from A Russian Vulvectomy, released November 11, 2023

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J. M. Smig Salem, Massachusetts

The musical equivalent of the guy at the party who offends everyone by mooning the camera (but guess what everyone does to the camera minutes later), Smig is the Witch City's composer laureate (not a difficult achievement, in all honesty).

"[C]ontemporary music for the bizarre at heart...[His] electronica and classical works operate in a style unlike any other."
(Electronic Musician newsletter)
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